There are times in our life when we feel we
will or should die. There are times in our life when we actually die. Life
gives us the same homework to solve so far we get it, so far we get it and
learn to manage it in the right way. Because there is a “right way” for us and
anybody can do it for us, but only ourselves. We all are on our own in
life. Anybody else lives your life and you don't live anybody's else life. Due to this, take care on what ever is the most valuable for you first if you care to support others. If the plane you are flying with your kid or wife or parent or friend is crashing, you have to put your oxigen mask first if you want to help the dear one close to you, right? There is no other logical way.
There is a split in our life. There are more
splits in our life, but there is a very strong one around the age of 50, + or –
1-2 years. When everything change. It is called "coming off the roof". And it is not only about my experience, but
I learn more often from different people from different continents and corners
of this World crossing the same life phases, a sort of bankruptcies. When they
thought they should die. When they wanted to die. When they died in a sort of
being. When they lost the light and the last drop of willing to live. From all
aspects of life: financial, relational, career, profession, place to stay/live,
family, security. Women do talk about these stuff, men prefer to ignore that
this stuff really exists and impacts them too.
When the soul dies, the body follows. This happened to me 3 years ago. When you start to cry without any clear reason, be warned that something big is going to happen. Ask yourself what is crying inside you, because it is not you! It happened to me on 31.12.2004 too and the following year 2005 was one of the most difficult years of my life, but it finished in a very strange happy way.
When the emotional part of you cries, then something big is going to happen and you cannot change this, but you can learn to stay calm and not to react, but to act when the moment is coming. It is a huge difference between to act and to react. Teach your kid to act, not to react. He/she will manage a smoother life.
After the last newest shocks in my changing and challenging life – last week - I now take a deep breath. I closed another gate to open a new door. I changed energies of place. I’m watching to the snowflakes falling down on Earth and listening “In the Mood for Love” by Shigeru Umebayashi, a divine, absolutely divine piece of music sent by an ancient friend of mine.
I met a man today. I went down town to register
and I could not find the office, so I asked an older man on the street. He is
about 65 or so. Hans by his name. He said, we shows me where the office is and while
we walked 2 minutes, he already told me the story of his life: his wife died
about one year ago, he is alone and has now a very big apartment in a small
place not so far from my place. Later on, I found out that the “very big apartment”
is about 40 square meters only and costs him 600 euro per month. And he said I
should visit him. I entered the building and came out again after 3 minutes. He
was waiting for me. I know, I really know how it is to be in need for a talk,
so I accepted his invitation for a cup of coffee. I ordered a hot chocolate.
I was listening to him for about half an hour. It was amazing to hear how embittered he was. Life embittered. He complains about loss of values in our society, about cruelty of humans and system, he told me the circumstances his wife died about two years ago. He told me about his fears. He named me “young girl” and I avoided saying him how old am I, it was not relevant.
I was listening to him for about half an hour. It was amazing to hear how embittered he was. Life embittered. He complains about loss of values in our society, about cruelty of humans and system, he told me the circumstances his wife died about two years ago. He told me about his fears. He named me “young girl” and I avoided saying him how old am I, it was not relevant.
Every time he spoked out like “I am afraid of …”
I explained to him, we get our fears back. Always.
Every time he told me he uses to hate somebody
if he gets hurt, I explained to him, hating and wishing bad things to somebody
reflect on us at the end.
I said to him: “Look, I move out now, coming here, 250 km away from my old place. The owners of the previous apartment retained 400 euros from the 2.000 euros deposit I paid to them when I took the apartment 16 months ago. They are 4 persons, I was by myself. Single woman, so they broke the law without any reason. To retain money from the deposit is against the Austrian law. I could not sleep that night at all. Yes, I will try to get my money back, but in the meantime, I do not hate them. I wished them to meet themselves one day, if you know what I mean?” Hans did not understood the meaning …. “Look, if somebody harms you and you wish him a bad thing, that thing will come back to you. However, if you wish him, to meet himself, this means he will meet later somebody who will harm him or he will experience something not pleasant for him. The life beats back, always, due to our thoughts. He will get his “chance to get back the harm”. If we all would understand this, the world would be a better place for us. I also got back my old way to be and to think and to react and it is pretty hard because it comes double so heavy on you and you have absolutely no idea why .... there is always a reason behind everything!”
I said to him: “Look, I move out now, coming here, 250 km away from my old place. The owners of the previous apartment retained 400 euros from the 2.000 euros deposit I paid to them when I took the apartment 16 months ago. They are 4 persons, I was by myself. Single woman, so they broke the law without any reason. To retain money from the deposit is against the Austrian law. I could not sleep that night at all. Yes, I will try to get my money back, but in the meantime, I do not hate them. I wished them to meet themselves one day, if you know what I mean?” Hans did not understood the meaning …. “Look, if somebody harms you and you wish him a bad thing, that thing will come back to you. However, if you wish him, to meet himself, this means he will meet later somebody who will harm him or he will experience something not pleasant for him. The life beats back, always, due to our thoughts. He will get his “chance to get back the harm”. If we all would understand this, the world would be a better place for us. I also got back my old way to be and to think and to react and it is pretty hard because it comes double so heavy on you and you have absolutely no idea why .... there is always a reason behind everything!”
I explained him how the body cells react on our thoughts. He told me, about 6 years ago, they – he and his wife – had many troubles with the owners of the building where they were living. His wife was upset and furious all the time because of the situation. She got sick and died 4 years later. Yes, this is a good example about how we get sick.
He said: “Yes, I always heard about these things, but I never believed it can be for real. Now you say me this again …. You are right, you know?”
Yes, I know …. I also was almost dead …. and I am not sure I survived yet.
As he told me that he will never be able to forgive all those people who were bad ….. I told him: “If you do not forgive and go on, you will carry this luggage of fury and frustration all your life long. What do you get for it? Being in bad mood and living in a past you cannot change, right?”
“Yes, the same thing I was told by a priest last month. A very kind man. He helped me a lot. He helped me to find this apartment now, you know? I asked him, why is he doing all these things for me …..”
And I said to him: “Love. Unconditional love.
This is all we need.”
He started to cry and said to me: “I see. I was
told about this before. Many times. I never believed it. It is difficult. It is very
difficult to forgive and to love. Thank you, I should meet you more often, I have
a lot to learn from you, Anca ….”
I felt blessed .....
We said goodbye for now, it was half past three in the afternoon.
It was snowing all day.
I was standing
in the middle of the street
in
Zell am See, Austria,
on the spot
where
three years ago
I was running into .... a finish line ………….
Hans went to the bus station, I followed the opposite direction and then I walked down to the lake. Walking back home for 3 km was nice.
Yesterday was such an incredible clear day,
today is such an incredible creamy day ....
I let the big snowflakes to fall over me ....
Yesterday was such an incredible clear day,
today is such an incredible creamy day ....
I'm watching to the snowflakes falling down on
Earth and listening “In the Mood for Love” by Shigeru Umebayashi, a divine,
absolutely divine piece of music sent by an ancient friend of mine.
And I cry ………..
And I cry ………..
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