I wasn't enable to write anymore. Last year was a real type of "heavy karma" year when you have the feeling you have to, you MUST, you simply have to pay all bills of your present and last lives and bills which actually have nothing to do with you at all!!!
I have no description indeed to define last year and the things got into January 2018, unfortunatelly.
Desperation is a weak word for all these things.
I felt like dying so many times during 2017, I gave up on everything and on myself at least three times, until I got exhausted.
I did unreal things to survive. Really unreal things.
I died twice and I was awoken three times. I do not attempt to describe, but I started to write The Book. 300 pages so far and another 200 will follow.
I wrote several pages just about how pain feels but at the moment I do not have the strenght to translate them into English, as the book will be in published in German. I wish to write at least so many pages about how joy feels, because I know the feeling, I remember about it.
I am 50, no secret. I never knew im my life before such huge dimensions of lying, deceit, cynicism, malice, cruelty, indolence, persecution, demagogy and the list could go on but I have to admitt the poor vocabulary I have on these kind of maters.
To scream your desperation out of your lungs and soul is a pretty heavy experience and I did it so many times starting autumn 2014 that now I am just exhausted.
I died in March 2017 again, as I just thought I start the most possible nice chapter in my life.
I died in July and August 2017 again as I let myself getting lost in the wild mountains of the Austrian Alps. In September something got totally broken in myself and the limit of pain to all possible levels was reached (even got operated in hospital).
In October 2017 I started to draw. I did a first drawing to find my peace as I wasn't able to walk, run or write or live and eat.
This was the first drawing except 2 others I sketched back in 2016 on a calender page without paying any additional attention on it afterwards.
Looking to this simple, primitive drawing I now know that it actually came from inside. It was me forcing to do something I was used to easy do but now against all powers of life. Because it is actually about that Power of Life we do not see and we refuse to feel or recognize. Because some gurus are getting a lot of money for telling us we can do and we can reach everyhing and anything we want in life, but they keep silence about those details which are hidden in the background of all these speeches and concepts.
Drawing the picture above made me realize the idea of my way to coach others. You see no head there. No head, no brain. So .... I started to experiment the concept of "let your mind outside". And I went on this concept for several weeks on a daily basis.
Many other shocks came into my life. It was exactly like that post-effect when you start to treat you homeopathic: things got worse. I was stolen, cheated, lied.
It was worse before getting better ..... maybe. I hope so.
I was almost beaten by the former house owner (a 60 old woman!!) where I lived and I had to run at 6 a.m. out of the house, alone in the dark and felt like a criminal just because I dared to say they are stolen my money!
I left that place, I moved out 260 km away, I changed energies, I said to me: A new start, a new life. I calmed down, I was decided to ignore the past and feel happy about the present.
Than, after two weeks, just before Christmas, it came again. A new shock. I did again incredible things to survive.
Across the house where I live now there is a small church. I am not a religious person. I know anybody in this place. No soul. I missed just to talk to somebody, to be listened. So I sent an e-mail to that small church which I see every single day from the windows of my appartment. I was so lost and so exhausted and in fear that I wrote without giving my name or phone number. I just told them, I am new in this place and I really need to talk to somebody.
And I forgott about it, I didn't expect anything at all. I gave up to expect anything from humans, but I still trust life knows the right way and brings me to the light again.
Few days later I've got a reply, I should share my phone number, in order to be called by a church representative. I did it. Without any expectations. I felt ashame, I didn't want to go and to meet that man who called me. What to say to him?!?!
That I lost myself? That ... what?!
But I went there .... and I go there once a week just to be listen, unconditioned. I accepted his offer to spend that hour with me once a week. No idea how long, but for the moment that weekly meeting became important.
Coming the 3rd meeting I didnt't want to go. It is pretty difficult to go and sit in front of a man and inevitably drown in tears each time. I felt embarassed. I felt it is in vain and senseless to keep him there listening to me. His life, his time. For what?
But in the meantime I continued to draw, sometimes 2-4 drawings per day, sometimes 3-4 hours for a drawing. It was AMAZING!!
It is pretty AMAZING or FUCKING AMAZING! I lost my sport, I lost all my money, all my power and strenght, all my joy, all my appettite, all my desire to write and I discovered I can draw! I kept it going and I also started to write on my book.
As writing, drawing is getting out from yourself. It is exactly that "LET YOUR MIND OUTSIDE and COME IN!"
It is probably the purest way to meditate and to reach your subconsciousness. It ist the fulliest emptyness .... how to put it into words?
I would say: Be curious in life and just do things which seem not to have a big importance for you or things which seem not to help you in a particular way as you desire at that moment.
Mid of January I got the first letter of acceptance from the Austrian Publishing House for my book. I cried and cried over and over reading the well formulated letter and then I had to find out, pretty soon, next day, that I should contribute with a large amount of money in order to get their services. I was shocked. Again.
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| Life again .... let me fall or still let me hang? |
Another shock followed last week.
Then I found myself walking at 7 a.m. in the darkness through cold and high snow and total emptyness along the lake for 6 km. I cried again. And again. And again. I was too tired to put questions. Six kilometers take a time to be walked down, so I had plenty of time to calm down and to understand again and again that .... somehow things have a logic on their own. We do not understand it, but somehow .... somehow .... something over my capacity and capability to understand and define a feeling, I hope that I feel there is a good sense somewhere ....
I was asked what keeps me alive. I needed some seconds before saying anything because I really dont't know what keeps me alive. The fear to ... stop my life. Because it is a pretty complicated process. I replied: This magical landscape here. Everytime where I go out and see the mountains. This keeps me alive these days. And the joy on the face of my client!
I was asked to describe PAIN and I wasn't able to do it. I could do it in writing, but not in talking. I can do it in drawing, but not in talking.
Drawing and writing goes on. And looking for a job and looking to develop my own business as coach. I have a wonderful client who I coach for two weeks now and his happy feeling makes me feel useful and grateful.
And that Something inside of me is telling me that when you put so much passion in doing things, it is the right way to find your way, your path to the light, your outdoor from the dark humid tunnel.
I am still looking for a publishing house which do not ask me for money, because the book itself is a very "heavy book" and I am sure it will make money. It is just a matter of time and to find the right publisher.
What about all these drawings actually?
Coming out from a deep suffering and from a lost soul, this new or refound passion have to has a sense. I started to believe in this idea after I see I need new pencils and new paper blocks because over 100 drawings is not a joke.
Last week, the next day after the last shock and after that long distance walk at 7 a.m. back home, I saw an add on a job group on Facebook. An add which kept my attention through the design and formulation. Somebody is looking for a "creative assistant" here in the place I am living. WTF?
Am I creative enough? What can be about it? Trying since 2,5 years to find employment here on jobs which suited to me like the second skin and having absolutely no chances .... it would be a tasteless joke to apply for such a job, come on!
But .... what else do I have to loose? My reputation or what? I am not a virgin anymore, so I have anything to loose. I have no money, almost no spirit, the soul is colapsed ....
And I applied for the job. I wrote a really spontaneous application letter "out of box" ignoring all the standards and the false rules of this false society .... and now I would like to post a drawing with a clown laughing ....
Next day I got the invitation to go for an interview. Yes indeed.
And I went, of course. A decent, open and straight interview. A natural conversation. I even asked at the end about the reason they invited me, because in 3 years all what I got were 3 interviews in Austria and now, in one month here, I got 7 interviews already and 5 rejections.
They said to me: "We thought that an Ironman Trainer who can create such good art pieces would suits to our philosophy here. And you also have a certain life experience which suits to us now." (a diplomatic way to say that I am old enough for not being too young :-))
Yesterday I got the confirmation for the job and the contract by e-mail. Today I went again to discuss some details of the contract and I wanted to sign it. They said, we sign the contract in the first day of work, not earlier. Of course, this is not understandable for me, but I cannot change it.
Let's say it: I have a pretty interesting job coming up as a wonder from a passion born from a lost soul! And in a place which leads me back into my childhood. Thank you, mother, for this gift! I wish you would be here whith me.
So .... the whole point of this long story .... I hope you figure it out for yourself .....
Today I finished this complicated drawing ....
If am I happy?
I am afraid, I lost the capacity to trust for the moment and to dare to think the "now moment" finally came. I am too scared really. So, for the moment, event if I find the story of getting this job pretty fascinating, I keep distance in talking about it. There is an adjusting time for one month, then if everything OK I continue to work until end of March, then the business will be closed because off season, so no payment and the promise is to restart again in May. A pretty awkward concept, but so far it allows me to develop myself and my private coaching business, it should be what I wanted to be and I didn't dare to hope.
P.S.
I have to mention this, because it is relevant:
After the last shock about 10 days ago I was surfing on internet and found a virtual running/walking challenge: RUN THE YEAR 2018. I paid 57 euro and I subscribed without any logic! I do not have money and I do not succeded so far to get back into my sports, so no way to run about 3.200 km in 12 months. In my best running year I reached 2.500 km only! But I subscribed and then I could become member of an exclusiviste closed group on Facebook.
Anybody speaking German there, most of them from USA.
I felt I would like to share pictures of the area where I am running or walking here. The first posting inflamed the group with almost 500 LIKES and lot of gratitude comments.
Few days later, new pictures posted, again about 500 LIKES and lot of gratitude comments.
Then I realised I have the tools to inspire others, because the comments are really amazing and all those people there keep asking me to post my gorgeous pictures.
This gives me strenght in the last days and this evening I got the confirmation how important such a virtual group can be. I never experienced on internet such an interesting, harmonious, supportive group where every single question is replied in a beautiful, beautiful manner indeed! There are amazing life stories there, there are so many people who need motivation and to be encouraged, there are many people there struggling to run or walk their miles or people who are looking for coaching support, injuries remedies and much, much more. THANK YOU ALL!!
Today I finished this complicated drawing ....
If am I happy?
I am afraid, I lost the capacity to trust for the moment and to dare to think the "now moment" finally came. I am too scared really. So, for the moment, event if I find the story of getting this job pretty fascinating, I keep distance in talking about it. There is an adjusting time for one month, then if everything OK I continue to work until end of March, then the business will be closed because off season, so no payment and the promise is to restart again in May. A pretty awkward concept, but so far it allows me to develop myself and my private coaching business, it should be what I wanted to be and I didn't dare to hope.
P.S.
I have to mention this, because it is relevant:
After the last shock about 10 days ago I was surfing on internet and found a virtual running/walking challenge: RUN THE YEAR 2018. I paid 57 euro and I subscribed without any logic! I do not have money and I do not succeded so far to get back into my sports, so no way to run about 3.200 km in 12 months. In my best running year I reached 2.500 km only! But I subscribed and then I could become member of an exclusiviste closed group on Facebook.
Anybody speaking German there, most of them from USA.
I felt I would like to share pictures of the area where I am running or walking here. The first posting inflamed the group with almost 500 LIKES and lot of gratitude comments.
Few days later, new pictures posted, again about 500 LIKES and lot of gratitude comments.
This gives me strenght in the last days and this evening I got the confirmation how important such a virtual group can be. I never experienced on internet such an interesting, harmonious, supportive group where every single question is replied in a beautiful, beautiful manner indeed! There are amazing life stories there, there are so many people who need motivation and to be encouraged, there are many people there struggling to run or walk their miles or people who are looking for coaching support, injuries remedies and much, much more. THANK YOU ALL!!
