We are all special .....

We are educated to fight against each other. Not only to compete on a fair play way, but to fight (for a better job, for a higher salary, for a piece of meat, for a bigger house or what ever)!. From very young age we are educated to "be better" than "that one" or "those ones". At any price to be better, otherwise we are punished. Without any explanations. False powers and illusions are inoculated to us. Brain washing starts from our childhood, for most of us. Because the parents - most of them - do not know better. And they never took the time before our born to know themselves. Not knowing themselves make impossible to teach us those things would help us to know ourselves. 

Some of us are coming on Earth with special powers and intuitions, but not all of these kids keep their powers, because external forces from their environment can be more powerful and destroy a large slice of their native potential. "Do not do this!" or "I do not allow you!" and so on.

I have no idea if I was born as a special kid. Every kid is special, as every adult is special. 

After so many years I can approach myself in a way which make me discover the real world, the real levels I never accessed before.

After so many years I am able to understand things. 

After so many years I am able to disconnect from all my anger and fears and past.

Most of the people are living in a life-long-trauma through events in their childhood and they do not find the path to go back, to understand, to forgive their parents.

This year I could do this. I forgave my parents. The good news is, this is possible. 

From that moment, your life will start to change.

As I was 18-19 I had an usual ugly verbal fight with my mother. I remember the exactly picture in that apartment where I grew up: me standing in the living-room door, looking at her, she being extremly furios: "I curse the moment you decided to bring me to life, mother! I am not guilty for your life, for your sacrifice, I did not asked you to be born! Cursed be the moment you conceived me! And pay attention: Pray that you stay healthy your life long, because when you will be old and sick, I will not be there for you!!"

And I left the house. With 22 I left her house for ever without looking back! I had a doll and no money, just the clothes I was wearing!
But saying those words .... I condemned myself to life for the next 30 years!

My mother died on April 17th, 2005. Pulmonar cancer. Ugly story in ugly conditions. At the moment she died, I wasn't there, I was on business travel abroad. Because my chiefs (from Kaufland, Sappert & Grüber) were not able to understand that my mother is almost dying and I am the only she has. And because .... because, to be very honest, the entire situation overhelmed me and I had no money, I could not just resign the job .... there were terrible months for me than in 2005. 

About one week before she peacefully died - so far the medical assistant I have hired told me - I spent a night with my mother in her apartment. The heaviest and most complicated night of my life, even much heavier as all those nights from December 1989 when people were shot and killed all around me on the streets of Bucharest. And I had to survive against my desire .... it is now the time to understand the reason, I suppose.

We did not speak much that day. 

I did not sleep at all. The emotions were so high that I could no sleep .... to see your mother on the dying bed, to feel so helpless, so overhelmed, so terrible tired .... it was much, much than I could bare.

As once I struggled to get her from the bed and to lead her to the bathroom I colapsed. She was too heavy for me and was tired since days, alone with her, with a complicated new job .... The intensity of that year ..... I told her through tears: "I cannot anymore. I cannot anymore ..... You know, mother, your desire was I never marry, I never have a family. Now we are both alone in a situation I cannot face it anymore. Look at me, I cannot get you up ..... I could have now a family and we both would not have to be so alone and lonely .... you see?"

She said nothing .... 

Of course I got her from the bed and I lead her to the bathroom and then I brought her back .... 

She was sitting on her bed, I was sitting on the floor near the bed .... The silence between us was like a huge body ....

I think she had tears in her eyes .... I am not sure because I was not able to look at her. I was struggeling not to cry the entire day as I wanted to protect her seeing me crying.

She said: "Anca, I am so sorry .... please forgive me for destroying your life .... I am so sorry now ...."

At that moment the entire Univers exploded. Every single cell in my body exploded and died in the same moment .... The first thought in my mind was: "It is too late for this ... "
I could not look at her in the same matter I was not able to call her "mother" ..... and I know that now, as I am writing this, she is here .... I hope she can understand what I write, what I think .... although it is in English and she didn't know this language .... I hope, mother, you can understand this .... I hope you know where I am and how much I miss you here. There it was impossible, but here is different, you should know this.

   Last week I met someone. I will write about this later in time. I was told: "when you feel something on your left shoulder, start to write. Write it all down until you get tired. You have your grandparents watching over you. They always come from your left, heart side. They protect you all the time trying in this manner to ask for forgivness for not being present for you in your life." This is what I am doing now ... Thank you, Claudia. 
  Dear people, from a reason I cannot explain, I do not write this in German, your language. I do not write this in Romanian either. I write it in English and I write so fast, so incredible fast .... I have no explanation for that, but I hope you are here and you understand this ....

   As my mother fall asleep that night I left the room and went in the kitchen. A small ugly kitchen. I was standing up in front of a window and I cried the entire night through. All my organs, all my cells were crying. I acumulated so much anger and pain all those years back. And now .... I was with my mother, she was dying and I was absolutely incapable to manage the situation.

   My mother died about one week later in the morning. In a Sunday morning at eight.  She died before I could say to her: "Mother ...". She died before I could say to her: "Mother, I forgive you. I love you, you know?"

Because I did not had these feelings then, it was much to much pretended .... to forgive, to love her ..... as I never felt myself to be loved by her .... many years as teenager I asked myself if she is my real mother. I am sure she is, but I miss something in this piece of information.

I needed elf and half years to forgive my mother and to start to love her. Because the entire Power I needed and found in my life is her merit too .... And I probably had to leave behind me and to give up everything I built in 20 years (also 20 years of work, accumulation and pain) in Bucharest and to come to Austria to suffer a severe burn out after about only 6 months being here; I probably had to experience all these 2,5 years here for reborn, for finding myself, for understanding my life, for being able to forgive and for being able to restart from zero for the last time in this life .... Shangri-La can be all over the place where we are.

Last summer somebody told me: "Anca, you have to forgive your mother. Otherwise you cannot go further with your life. It is simply not possible, trust me." Anna, you were right. Thank you!

   We are all special, but we do not take it for real. No one is better than another! Some are better trained because are more disciplined, yes, this is possible .... but  We are just all special and if we all would know and understand this, the world would be a much better world, because we then would be able to syncronise our energy fields and to live and work as synergist muscles in our body do!
   I hope parents understand the message. As adults, we are strongly influenced by all the small and big events we had in our childhood. We are the work of ourselves, but the influence of our parents is stronger in the most cases. I wish parents can understand this and do something about this. Paying more attention maybe ... even struggeling to understand life in its real potential, mechanisms. There is no recepy on the world how to be a good parent, I know. But there is a lot it can be "better" done if .... we awake in due time for us and for our children.
   I lived 7 months in a family here in Austria where the gap between parents and childred is enormous. And I had to see and to feel the incapacity of the parents to change things. Very painful indeed ...... for me, because it seemed I was the only one who saw the real stuff there.
Parents, do not just let your kids to grow up. They grow anyway! Help them while they grow up by recognizing their abilities, letting their potential free, avoiding to force them doing things and to inoculate them the fight idea. Start to communicate openly to them so that you are their best friends, not their best parents! Take care about how you formulate advices or punishments! Be decided, be ferm, but explain things and reasons to them. Try to understand their reasons! Teach them about the existing Energy Fields, about how and what they can do with their Energy Fields - if you know what is it and how it works, if you bring these things to your kids, then you can be sure you assure them the Happyness for life!
Do not ignore some simple rules which belong to the general life education, such as: define their role in the household, give them specific tasks, write down an weekly or monthly schedule for their tasks and put it on a visible place and every time they end every task, write OK on that line. Yes, children have to be part of the family life and have to help in household! They are not your guests in house, they are part of the family!! If they want to live like guests, then they should rent a room which is not paid by you.  
Our personality forms until about 15 years old, then no relevant changes are coming over us - this is a fact very few people are awared about.
  Changes start with you, mom or/and dad. If you do not change yourself, you cannot help your children and you cannot help yourself too .... but this is a different story. The seven months teached me on an abrupt way things about life which I will describe later in time .... 

I am not done, I do not read what I have just writen above .... but I need a break ...

Merry Christmas!